"The Queen? She'll have to take me as she finds me"

None of this sort of going-on for Marjorie

Royal watchers were outraged today as Marjorie Lighthouse, chosen by village ballot to receive Her Majesty the Queen during her 2013 Jubilee reprise tour of Little Wallop, said, "I shan't be making any special preparations.  The Queen will have to take me as she finds me. I can't be doing with fuss and faddle."

This dramatic protocol swerve came hot on the heels of two other breaks with royal tradition:

• the news that Prince Andrew was going to take a job in McDonald's, having always hankered for a role where he can earn Actual Stars (he hasn't yet, but we've everything crossed that he gets his "top patty-flipper" award later this month)
• Kate Middleton saying to a Daily Mail reporter, "It's fine, you can criticise my nude-shoe-wearing preference, I know you're only doing it to make up for having a really small penis".

Royal staff were said to be concerned that Her Maj will find the smell of the commoner's house offensive, since she is used to the scent of freshly-slapped-on Farrow & Ball (Dulux at a push), but they've developed an emergency "paint-scent sprayer" which a specially-trained Corgi will activate at set intervals with his tongue.
When interviewed, Miss Lighthouse, 82, said, "I didn't realise I'd entered the ballot.  I thought I was sending back a coupon to get 5p off mutton.  I was surprised to win and there's been some jealousy in the village, especially as I haven't gone all out to crochet doilies in the shape of Prince Charles's ears to welcome the Queen into my home, like Elsie Mucklethwaite has.  But, really, the Queen's an old lady, I'm an old lady.  I'm sure we'll have a lot in common.  I've asked Elsie if she'll lend me the ears in return for a prime spot on my fence to watch the Queen's visit, but she hasn't replied to my text yet."

We'll bring you more as we get it.  Whether you like it or not.